I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
