So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
