my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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