my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
