i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Oh god it's open bar.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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