hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
