Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
