what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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