Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
