So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
