Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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