I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Be still, my beating vagina.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I know her cup size but not her name....
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