Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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