I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
