is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
