i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
