I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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