UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
