We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
