woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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