listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Dear god my vagina.
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