If that was your dad, he is hot
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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