Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
