this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
