Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
