I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
