At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
