am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
