I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
