i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
