what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
