I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
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