Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
