Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
