woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
