everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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