Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
