If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
