it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
