Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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