We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
