sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
