Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
