Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
