Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
