I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
