Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
