Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
