Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
