after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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